The Guinea Pig is Doing Better

The human eye transfers information to the brain as fast as a swift Ethernet connection. Unfortunately, like a tetchy DSL connection, we could be transferring data a lot swifter. Humans have ten times more ganglion cells in the retina than a guinea pig, yet the guinea pig is faster. This suggests that this deficiency might be best rectified if a few humans replaced a few guinea pigs for those painful dissections conducted in the name of research. Or perhaps our ganglion cells might be boosted if we adopted other humans as pets and had them run around in circles.

Either way, this will not stand! The human is smarter than the guinea pig. Can a guinea pig balance a checkbook or order takeout? I think not! Moreover, the average guinea pig lives a mere four to six years. Perhaps that comparatively smaller blip of existence is what causes the guinea pig to get its act together.

I call upon my fellow humans to do better! We must triumph over the guinea pig before the eye-to-brain transfer speed is comparable to a 56K modem.

Memo from a White House Staffer Whose Services “Will No Longer Be Required”

Dear George:

It was great to meet with you and Laura at the Crawford ranch. That was really great barbeque. I had no idea endangered caribou tasted so good! Of course I’m happy to help out on the 50th “In God We Trust” proclaimation. I’ve looked through the draft and here are my thoughts:

1. I’ve run some numbers and it seems that we’re getting a bit of resistance on this national motto business among the more free thinking members of the right. Look, I know that “In God We Trust” is the national motto and all, but if you’re going to go with the “beacon of religious freedom” language, you may want to tie “E Pluribus Unum” into this somewhere. It was, after all, the original motto. Let me know if you need me to fax over the information sheet. I know you’re a bit fuzzy on the subject. It stands for “one from many parts.” Perhaps if you replace the “divine plan that stands above all human plans,” which is a bit inconsistent with the religious freedom section, with “one plan from many to choose from,” maybe adopting a metaphor involving a cell phone long distance plan, we might be able to sneak this through the blue state crowd with little resistance and get home in time to watch America’s Next Top Model.

2. I hate to break this to you, George. I know you’re a Yale man and all, but have you heard of Gautama Buddha? If you insist on the “god” language, we’re going to have a little trouble with the Buddhist crowd. Sally tells me that Buddhists can actually vote! And the way your numbers have been lately, George, we’re going to need any support we can get for the midterm elections.

3. The DOJ is dealing with the First Amendment crowd. Don’t worry. We’re on it.

4. I know that “Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation” is part of the Star Spangled Banner and all, but given that it’s in the fourth stanza and most Americans have difficulty remembering anything beyond the first, you may want to take this reference out. Perhaps you can dwell on the “land of the free and the home of the brave” line. That always goes down well at air shows. In fact, I’m not sure if you got my other memo, but Kenny Loggins has given us the rights to play “Danger Zone” as much as we want during the next two years. Perhaps if you used “the hotter the intensity” somewhere, we can tie everything together with one big rosy bow and get a bit of a sexual charge thing going with regard to this whole God thing.

5. You’re being a bit nebulous about this “cause greater than self.” Is it the country or is it God? My advice: go with country. Just so the whole god and country thing is indivisible.

6. Again, just so we can appease the free thinking crowd, do you really have to use “year of our Lord?” Not even Ike used that. Why don’t we settle on Anno Domini? It’s actually Latin for “in the Year of the Lord” and commonly accepted among the atheist socialist crowd. A win-win situation, if you ask me.

Anyway, let me know what you think. I’m confident that some of these subtle changes will make your message less ostentatious and that this proclamation will pass without notice. Subtlety generally keeps these leftist swine squirming more than the big guns.

Yours,

Herbert Stanwyck

Statement of Intentions

Scott did it. And I’m going to do it right now. In fact, I’d like to see anyone with a passion for books set down precisely what it is about literature makes them groove. That goes for you, Mr. Sarvas! And you, Mr. Smokler! And, hell, even you, Mr. Freeman. And you, Ms. Crispin, so we might be able to find some books you’d like. And anybody else who writes or gives a damn about books.

Why do this? Well, for starters, it’s a good exercise to confirm just why we’re all batshit crazy about literature and permits us to understand our respective perspectives. Perhaps in setting down precisely what it is about literature that means something, we might better be able to expand beyond our paradigms and try a few new things in the process. Think about it: Instead of bemoaning vicious reviews and keeping a review’s tone artificially sunny, wouldn’t it be interesting to know what Leon Wieseltier or Dale Peck like so that we might better comprehend what makes them write so angrily about books? Is it possible that the negative reviewers are misunderstood? Wouldn’t it be invaluable to have a supplement to a weekly book review section that lists each critic’s statement of intentions?

So, like Scott, I’m going to offer my statement of intentions. And I hope that you will too. And you, and you, and you.

Here then is what I look for in a work of fiction:

A sense of playfulness. I will confess that a novel with a playful prose style is likely to tickle my fancy more than a straightforward tale written in that humorless realist mode that James Wood is so smitten with. This is not to suggest that I am adverse to realism or serious fiction. Richard Yates remains a firm favorite and I’ll go into the whys of this a tad later. The playfulness, however, should adhere to some reasonable human construct. It should be justified, motivated not by an author flexing his chops (see Dave Eggers and, to some degree, Saul Bellow, early Martin Amis, and Benjamin Kunkel), but because the nature of the fiction requires it. But here’s the strange loophole: If an author presents a unique and distinct way of seeing the world (such as Colson Whitehead, Richard Powers or David Foster Wallace), I’m more willing to forgive him his narrative digressions.

A concern for details. I have a soft spot for books that dare to present the world’s quotidian details in ways we haven’t seen before. Nicholson Baker comes to mind. Carol Shields too. Colson Whitehead, definitely. I suspect this is why I also like Updike so much and am willing to forgive Terrorist (and even the dreadful Gertrude and Claudius) for its flaws. When Updike writes about old buildings being split up like a cardboard box, there is something in his phrasing and imagery that makes me quite giddy. I feel as if I am seeing the world in ways that I haven’t observed it before. Sometimes, it could be through a miniscule detail in the phrasing. Sometimes, it’s just outright daffy foci. When Baker describes a paperclip and dares to chart precisely how it was manufactured, I feel indebted to him for overlooking some pivotal aspect of the world that I should be paying attention to.

Keeping it real. I’m not a big fan of magical realism. My bullshit detector flies off the charts when people inexplicably begin flying in the middle of a novel because the author can’t determine a way to progress his narrative forward. There are certainly exceptions (Murakami, Calvino, Borges) with authors who dabble in the surreal, but, for the most part, such exercises escape a writer’s first and foremost duty: to convey the human experience in a way in which we can believe it. I can believe, for example, the extraordinary world of China Mieville’s New Crobuzon because there is an underlying structure to its gaslights, its curious criminal justice system with the Remades, and its underground scientists toiling away at experiments in dingy apartments. Likewise, I can look at a book like Richard Yates’ Revolutionary Road and ferret out the precise details which reveal the Wheelers’ discontentment. The environs or the genre or the highbrow/lowbrow status matters little to me. It’s the verisimiltude that keeps my motor purring.

A fresh perspective. For the next LBC round, I nominated a book that had one of the most unique perspectives I had encountered in some time. It was not simply the book’s unusual and quite idiosynchratic perspective that rocked my world, but, tied into my last point, the realization that this author had weaved a tale of unexpected poignancy that felt as real as any other tale. This harkens back to my earlier point of recontextualization. I think Scott and I differ a bit on this point. We once got into a heated conversation about David Mitchell’s Cloud Atlas, in which he felt that what Mitchell was portraying was typical and I defended the book’s ability to recontextualize both narrative and the world around us, while agreeing that its platitude-stacked ending was a bit of a letdown.

A sense of ambition. One of literature’s great challenges is to push the envelope further in a way that we haven’t seen it before. I can forgive a flawed book like Elliot Perlman’s Seven Types of Ambiguity, which I wrote about here, because it’s attempting an earnestness that is well at odds with the irony-soaked novels and literary realism so fashionable today. Likewise, if Robert Coover sometimes leaves me cold or a John Barth volume flounders, the ambition still sticks to the craw.

Giddy experimentalism. To me, Gilbert Sorrentino and David Markson are extraordinary writers because they experiment in a manner which invites. Sorrentino’s elaborate lies (such as the giddy notion of a character playing “roles” in various novels offered in Mulligan Stew) and Markson’s sentence-by-sentence approach to narrative remind us that experimentalism doesn’t have to be a cold and off-putting affair. Theirs is the purest and most difficult form of experimentalism to pull off.

Difficulty. I like books that challenge me. Books that I have to deconstruct, books in which I constantly have to look up things, books that compel me to reread them later, books I savor. I like books in which I don’t really have a sense of what’s going on until Page 75. I like books, like Ander Monson’s Other Electricities, that, with its index, suggest an interconnectedness that a grad student might spend weeks dwelling upon. I like Gaddis’s approach to dialogue in J.R., where we have to work to figure out who is speaking (which implies that we really aren’t paying nearly as much attention as we should).

Balls. I like writers who make me feel uncomfortable. I like writers who tell the truth. I like writers who want to take me to places I would never visit in a million years. I like writers who throw me into a horrific place and refuse to take the easy way out.

Since Scott has also presented a preference list, here are my answers:

The Intuitionist or John Henry Days? John Henry Days
Mailer, Roth, or Updike? Updike
Fitzgerald or Hemingway? Fitzgerald
White Noise or Underworld? White Noise
Pale Fire or Lolita? Lolita
Romanticism, Moderism, or Postmodernism? Romanticism, then Postmodernism, then Modernism

[UPDATE: Dan Wickett has thrown in his hat.]

The Bat Segundo Show #51: OGIC, Scott Esposito & Edie Meidav

segundo51.jpg

Guests: OGIC, Scott Esposito and Edie Meidav (LBC Nominee, Summer 2006).

Condition of Mr. Segundo: Running away from the Bolsheviks.

Subjects Discussed: Dancing about architecture, Humbert Humbert, antiheroes, character names and wordplay, Nabokov, the memory of environment vs. its inevitable change, balancing secondary characters against a complex protagonist, the real-life inspiration for the wastrels, writing in sheds, various notions of “crawl space,” cross-graphs, visual elements contained within text, on being edited at FSG, “throwing out crazy trees,” discarded subplots, drowning babies, mining abandoned material vs. moving forward, and introducing loaded guns in the first act.

Taking a Leak

The good news first, since, acerbic tendencies aside, I’m an optimist: Ami Greko is a goddess. I’ll say no more. It arrived today. Thank you thank you thank you, Ms. Greko. I will start reading it tomorrow and report back here when I’m finished.

The bad news: I had intended to offer more content and podcasts this week, but there have been, how shall we say it exactly, existential complications. My landlord, who is thankfully a hundredfold more responsive than either Michael Brown or George Bush, and I are still contending with the leak from hell, which has now sullied quite a few of my books with water damage. All of them, thankfully, are easily replacable, although I’ve had to place my collection of tomes published in the 19th century into the main room.

Apparently, just after I left for work this morning, the leak broke big, assuming Biblical proportions. The water in the bucket overflowed and my landlord discovered upon entry a capacious puddle extending down the hallway. Knowing of my bibliomania, he was kind enough to shift some of the bookpiles onto shelves. We’re going into the ceiling tomorrow. The source of the leak remains unknown. I suspect the bathroom will resemble Gene Hackman’s apartment at the end of The Conversation. But no matter. We will prevail against the dreaded water.

Such is the life of being an urban dweller and a renter.

What this means is that tomorrow’s LBC podcast may be delayed until the weekend. Then again, I may get it finished. We shall see.

Rediscovering Homer

Andrew O’Hehir has written an interesting review of Andrew Dalby’s new book, Rediscovering Homer. Dalby has suggested that Homer was actually a woman and that the Iliad and the Odyssey were written 70 to 90 years earlier. While Dalby’s arguments appear to be more casual conjecture than thesis with examples, O’Hehir, running with the speculative ball, raises a provocative point near the end of his piece, where he identifies Aphrodite’s lay-down-and-take-it-sweetheart advice to Helen as a feminine anxiety that a man might have difficulty understanding and thus writing about.

I don’t know if I completely buy this interpretation, or if the gender question is as important as either of the two Andrews suggest. We are talking about (a) a tale that has been passed down through oral tradition, (b) a translation from Dalby that may very well be as “leaden” as Latimore’s which fails to contain the nuances contained within the original Greek, and (c) a decidedly patriarchal world from about 2,600 years ago in which feminine complexity was discouraged or swept under the sand.

Could the anxiety that O’Hehir detects have more to do with the Iliad‘s considerable cast of vengeful gods (i.e., their behavior)? Let’s not forget how much the gods are responsible for what goes down in the Iliad. Athene provides the arrow that wounds Menelaos. Had it not been for this interference, might the Trojans and the Greeks have patched things up? Had not Apollo provided an assist to Hector in killing Patroclus, would Achilles have been galvanized into action? (My hunch is that he would have remained a wuss. In this sense, it might be argued that he is, centuries before Benjamin Kunkel’s Dwight Wilmerding or Nick Hornby’s Rob Fleming, literature’s ultimate manboy slacker prototype.*) A hardcore gamer might take respawning for granted in a first-person shooter, but this is precisely what Zeus does to Hector after Hector is felled by a stone.

What I’m suggesting here is that the Iliad is as much a tale of gods vs. humans as it is a chronicle of behavioral nuances. (It’s a lot more than that, actually. But one point at a time.) The gods are just as abject, hubristic and inveterate as their human counterparts, but their actions often trump the comparatively picayune efforts of Achilles and his fellow mortals. (And for those curious about the relationship between gods and humans, Mary Lefkowitz’s Greek Gods, Human Lives looks like an interesting book on the subject.)

If Aphrodite’s advice is framed within this larger-than-life attitude, I don’t know if identifying the words as distinctly male or female in origin is any more important than calling a woman who likes “masculine” activities a tomboy or a man who likes “feminine” activities a metrosexual. But if Dalby’s book (and O’Hehir’s reviewing) will get more people thinking about some of the behavioral nuances within one of our most seminal works of literature, then I may just have to pick it up.

* — If O’Hehir is going to have fun with contemporary allusions, I will too.

[UPDATE: Richard Grayson emails in and points to this 1897 Samuel Butler “translation,” which names “The Authoress of the Odyssey.” In other words, between this and the Graves book cited by Jenny Davidson in the comments, the idea of Homer as a female author has been around for a long time.]

Roundup

Melanie Martinez: Faxes, Mail and Phone Calls

Since the Melanie Martinez post has generated great interest, here’s the contact address for the PBS executive who fired her. (Wax’s specific reason: “PBS Kids Sprout has determined that the dialogue in this video is inappropriate for her role as a preschool program host and may undermine her character’s credibility with our audience.”) I would suggest faxes and letters instead of emails, as paper is something which will clutter up the PBS offices and email can be easily deleted. And if you like, why not give Wax a call? I’m sure she’d love to hear from you.

Sandy Wax
President
PBS Kids Sprout
2000 Market Street, 20th Floor
Philadelphia, PA 19103
Phone: 215-667-2750
Fax: 215-667-2701
email: sandy_wax@comcast.com

Roundup

The Hidden Costs of Education

The Chronicle of Higher Education: “The problem is you can’t get to where I am now without going through a decade or more of immersion in a highly politicized and anti-literary academic culture. You have to spend so many years conforming that, by the time freedom presents itself, you don’t know why you became an English major in the first place. You might even have contempt for your seemingly naïve students, who represent the self that you had to repress in order to be a professional.”

Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Jealousy

Hilarious. Thanks for the laughs, Mr. Wolfe.

And, by the way, it should be patently obvious to anyone reading this blog that I don’t have a brain, that I am “psycho-sexual,” that I am “near-misogynist” (I beat my girl the other day and she liked it) and that I am a far from well-adjusted individual. It is only through the slimmest of margins that I manage to hold onto my day job. There is no need for Mr. Wolfe to take away precious time from “working on a book” to prove what he already knows and believes, and what you should know and believe too. No one is more mystified than I am that you continue to read this banal drivel. It is all composed without a single synaptic impulse. It is contrived and hopeless in intent. There is little in the way of insight and I regularly mangle the English language. The only reason why people like John Updike talk with me is because I blow the man in the alley.

The Social Darwinism of Book Tours

A Jessa Crispin article now making the rounds and riffing on a David Milofsky piece kvetches about “the traditional book tour,” which is presumably defined as an author giving a series of readings across the nation in front of a crowd. But while I certainly advocate any literary event that involves liquor or strange poets braying into a mike, I think Jessa misconstrues Milofsky’s larger point, which is that the languor one associates with an author appearance might be better dispensed with by literary enthusiasts frequenting their local bookstore readings or paying attention to the listings in the newspapers.

However appealing a reading series might be, it still involves a certain social Darwinism: the reading series organizer invites writers who are hip or in or otherwise down with it. But what of the authors who don’t fit into a “Progressive Reading” agenda? Or who aren’t telegenic or charismatic enough to appeal to an 18-34 demographic? Does this not cheapen or detract from the books that the authors have written?