Ireland’s best-known writer, Roddy Doyle, has shocked the world. Just before realizing that his books weren’t selling as well as they used to, and looking for a desperate ploy, anything really, to get in the press, he decided that hate was in his best interest. “Green Eggs and Ham is a piece of crap,” he said. “Who the hell does that Seuss bloke think he is? He’s no doctor, that’s for sure.”

Roddy Doyle, a writer with a very ridiculous nose and the winner of some scrappy Booker thing that they also gave to Vernon God Little, announced that he would burn all of his Dr. Seuss books in a bonfire. “Who’s with me? I’m finished with him,” Doyle told a stunned audience in New York. “If he weren’t dead, I’d beat the shit out of him. You can dig up his coffin and I’d still beat the shit out of him. His bones aren’t so tough. I don’t care how short his books were. It’s clear to me that he needed an editor.”

Shortly after this statement, Doyle pulled out a small postcard. On one side was a photograph of his ass, his trousers draped around his legs. The words “Seuss Schmoose” were printed just underneath this terrifying image. On the other was Green Eggs and Ham, condensed to a mere twenty words.

“See? Too bloody long. I did my best to abridge it. And why did he nick Irish green?”

The timing of Doyle’s outburst could hardly have been worse, what with the recent release of The Cat in the Hat, the worst movie of 2003.

The Irish government — still guilty for the way that Doyle fulminates in public — are trying to prevent Doyle from ever addressing an audience again. Unfortunately, they allowed Doyle to slip past customs. Doyle, shortly before getting on board the airplane, offered a series of raspberries to perplexed security officers.