One more reason to avoid Smirnoff Ice (besides, of course, its faux alcoholic stature and similarities to Zima): one bottle has more calories than a Krispy Kreme donut. Not only are you better off drinking a 12 oz. can of regular beer, but you’re better off eating a Twinkie. By contrast, 1 jigger of vodka is 94 calories, 1 jigger of 86 proof whiskey is 105 calories, and 1 jigger of 90 proof gin is 110 calories.

(And if we do the math for those who can’t slam vodka straight, a screwdriver ends up having the same count as a beer. 75 calories in OJ plus 94 calories of a jigger. Plus, a greater likelihood of getting buzzed.)

I was at a social gathering a few months ago. An athletic thirtysomething lady insisted upon drinking nothing but Smirnoff Ice, but wouldn’t touch beer. I figured there wasn’t all that much of a difference. Turns out that my suspicions were correct.

Of course, true calorie counters will probably be better off drinking something like no-calorie water. But then who orders H20 from a bar other than the destitute and the suffering?

(One suspects that the thin Englishman opts for hard liquor and water to maintain his wiry physique, along with the afternoon tea. Not that I’m wallowing in stereotypes or anything.)