Actor Jude Law has expressed “sincere regret” for allowing his penis to take over his body and consummate its desires for nanny Daisy Wright while he was engaged to actress Sienna Miller.

Law issued a statement shortly after his publicists were in the dark about how to spin this, before coming up with an eleventh-hour forthright apology.

“I just want to say that I am deeply ashamed of my manhood. I should have controlled my penis. It should not have controlled me. As I try and weather the storm with Sienna, it is quite likely that I will be having an exclusive hands-on relationship with my penis. For this, I am truly sorry,” said Law.

“There is no defence for any actions that my penis has taken.”

Shortly after this sentence, in a rare appearance, Jude Law’s Penis emerged from Mr. Law’s trousers and begin to speak to reporters.

“She was only caring for one children,” rebutted Jude Law’s Penis. “Surely there was enough time on her hands for two. And frankly, I was getting sick of Jude and Sienna’s hands. The time had come to mix things up.”