BBC: “Pop star Madonna is in the African country of Malawi on a mission to try to help orphaned children living with HIV and AIDS. The singer plans to launch six projects to help underprivileged children.”

Here are four of the six projects:

1. Madonna will hire out three of her 280 personal assistants for exactly one hour to offer services to one underprivileged child, including carrying suitcases, providing foot massages, driving out to the nearest Whole Foods to purchase a snack (is there a Whole Foods in Malawi?), and reading the Kabbalah out loud.

2. To brighten up a few lives, Madonna will allow three children to star in the roles of Little Foot Soldier #1, Little Foot Soldier #2, and Little Foot Soldier #3 for an upcoming music video representing a sexual allegory of the Battle of the Bulge. The Little Foot Soldiers will get the opportunity to fire off several squibs, thus providing these cute and cuddly malnourished tots with a small thrill to brighten their hungry days.

3. Madonna will allow one carefully selected malnourished child to touch the hem of her khakis, showing great grace in enduring the child’s dirty and squalid hand. The khakis will be immediately laundered after the encounter. The child will be allowed to walk within ten feet of Madonna for twenty heartfelt minutes of joy — perhaps the greatest moment in the child’s life, better even than a rare day with three meals.

4. Madonna will give ten children copies of her complete discography for their listening pleasure. It is Madonna’s hope that her music will provide the children with great inspiration to conquer their grumbling stomachs. If the children do not possess a CD player, she will demand that the Malawai governemnt provide them. If they do not possess electricity, she will have one of her dancers beat somebody up — perhaps another starving child, if nobody else can be found.