SAN FRANCISCO (AP): This morning, Sick Apart managed to stop the earth’s rotation as they released Movable Hype 3.2, the latest version of their overpriced software. Geeks, needing a new fix and locked into high anxiety (with a steady upsurge in cardiac arrest) after learning earlier this year that Apple would be using Intel microprocessors, worked themselves into a frothy lather the very minute the latest version of Movable Hype was released. They pledged their firstborn children to Sick Apart, hoping to support the college fund for Anal Dash’s children. They downloaded pictures of Vern and Myrna Glottal Stop, replacing their Norman Rockwell paintings with these safe and delightful images, and remarked upon how cute these people were. (Every company needs a few icons!) They offered credit card numbers and sent Paypal funds with unfettered brio. This was indeed a cash bonanza.

Here are some of the features you get with the new version:

• Glitzy Interface: Forget functionality. All along, Movable Hype has been about looking sleek. Your post will still take forever to process as your server struggles to process unruly CGI scripts. And being a company run by a bunch of upstart kids, Sick Apart has never once considered the fact that vision actually declines over the years. So the typeface within that “Entry Body” box is smaller than ever! For an extra $20, the Old Fart Plug-In will assuage this problem.
• More Frustrations for Additional Users: It’s now easier for anyone to get annoyed by the Movable Hype license agreements. Start as many blogs as you want! But let our powerful tools frustrate you if you have a guest blogger stop on by. Because this is an army of one. Remember, kids. Blogging isn’t about community. It’s about narcissistic empowerment.
• Personal Community Management: Like other companies, don’t expect to call us on the phone. Expect a reply by email when we get around to it. Feel free to shell out your $100 and never expect to be able to talk to anyone without paying a substantial sum after 30 days! Our Personal Community Management will have you struggling to find an answer in the Movable Hype Knowledge Base. That’s what we call empowerment, kids!
• More Spam Comments: Just when you thought you couldn’t get enough of this odious clutter in your blog and your email, we’ve once again completely failed to help you here. But with the new version, you will have at least seven spam-related comments less than you had before. And I’m sure we can all agree here that it’s all about gradual development, no?

Because remember. At Sick Apart, blogging’s not about personal expression. It’s about cash and silly hype. If this emphasis weren’t clear enough, we’ve actually referred to our work here as “tools” instead of “scripts.” Further, we’ve had the audacity to tell you that this release has “gone gold,” as if we had just released a multidisc version of a next-generation, graphics-intensive first-person shooter.

But we hope that you’ll keep believing us when we say that, as the cash flows in from you suckers, the last laugh is truly on us!