Well, if Haggis can do it, so's can I. The Match.com Physical Attraction Test, purportedly millions of dollars and years in the making, is a disturbing image-oriented Flash thing that asks you such terrible questions as "If these were the only five women left on Earth, who could you tolerate?" Now how the hell can any vaguely humanistic-minded person answer that? Well, dear readers, you'd be surprised by how quickly you cross into darkness. Particularly if, like me, you've seen The Omega Man and Logan's Run more times than medically recommended.
Make no mistake: This test is fucking evil. The phrasing of questions makes this test perfectly designed for nihilists, pyromaniacs and armageddon enthusiasts. Namely, people like me. Worse still, it's all visual. Never mind if the lady I was sharing a sleeping bag in a post-apocalyptic Times Square could quote Robert Burns or engage in mischevious banter. There was a stage in this that reminded me of Press Your Luck, whereby you're supposed to single out women you can't stand. Except, in my case, I was concentrating on the women that I'd have no problem spending six lifetimes lovin' and found it difficult for my libido-charged mind to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
The results would indicate otherwise:
The choices you made in the test suggest you have strong, automatic preferences for certain types of women. You made your choices quickly suggesting you have clear physical instincts.
Uh, maybe because I'm a dude and I'm more visual-minded, mayhaps? Or I was clicking desperately on the choices to make this hard Hobson's choice objectification stop? You make the call, Match.com. You evil bastards.
But onwards.
My Favorite Features:
Unique Traits:
Not Your Type:
How You Compare to Other Men:
4% Very attracted to women my type
14% Attracted to women my type
21% Somewhat attracted to women my type
61% Not at all attracted to women my type
Yeah, mofo! How you like me now, Match.com?
Body Types:
One body type that seems to appeal to you is scientifically called "Endomorph," which roughly translates into solid, "plus-sized" women. She's not overweight, but her big bones and large frame make her hard to miss. Endomorphs are definitely curvier than the other body types, with hips that are wide in proportion to shoulders. Although she is prone to gain weight over her lifetime, at this point she doesn't have a "pot belly" or "love handles," just nice womanly curves! As she ages and puts on weight, she usually carries it in her hips and butt. This type usually makes up 7% of single women. Telling signs of this body type include wide and curved jaws, round faces, "chubby cheeks," a girlish look, a very short and wide neck, plus larger legs and butts.
In other words, the kind of woman that people had no problem with in 1962, but that carries a stigma today. Or as Elizabeth Hurley once said, "I'd kill myself if I was as fat as Marilyn Monroe."
Breast Size:
While you may enjoy looking at different breast sizes, based upon the choices you made, you prefer a well-endowed woman with much larger breasts.
And while you're conveying this earth-shattering piece of news, why not expound on the Third Law of Thermodynamics while you're at it?
My Ideal Match:
Reese Witherspoon? I must confess, I like her as an actress. But, dear Match.com, you clearly do not understand the kind of women I fantasize about while I'm jerking off. As such, you have proven your test, purportedly millions of dollars and years in the making, to be irrelevant and silly.
But there's a far larger issue here: Within seconds of taking the test, you sent me a list of profiles of women who "matched" my purported ideal. That may be fine and dandy with the Sears catalog set, but that disturbs me on multiple levels, Match.com.
So I have to ask, Match.com. Since you're in the business of profiting off of instant objectifying of the opposite gender, how do you sleep at night?
Posted by DrMabuse at February 20, 2004 12:11 PMI remember taking the personality version of this obnoxious test last summer, and dug up the email results. This is rather funny:
Where did the test come from?
The test you just took is the most scientifically grounded and customized personality assessment on the Internet. It's a "smart" test because it can tailor specific questions to you based on your earlier choices so no one gets exactly the same questions. The content of the tests and the game-like way the choices were presented are the result of over 15 years of research by the scientists at weAttract.com, Inc.
Uh, yeah. Right.
Posted by: Susan at February 20, 2004 03:51 PMReally, these sorts of things turn Match.com into the Web equivalent of the Weekly World News.
Posted by: Ed at February 22, 2004 04:35 PMVillian!
Off to take the test ...