Edward Champion's Return of the Reluctant

In Defense of White Male Bloggers

Like 99.99% of the blogosphere, I'm white and I'm male. Sometimes, I get an erection. In fact, it's safe to say that writing long libertarian screeds on copyright and the horrors of government regulation (get off my lawn, G-men!) gets me hotter and friskier than the Jenna Jameson videos I rent from the video store (also white, also male, also libertarian, but perhaps a scad dirtier).

Why, if it weren't for the power of the blogosphere (which is more truthful than those Communists writing for the New York Times), it's safe to say that I'd be giving speeches at my local Rotary International chapter about the Important Issues of Our Time and inviting other white men for cocktails at the Elks Lodge to discuss the merits of how to wiggle out of paying too much capital gains tax. (Damn government!) Some of you fools in the peanut gallery haven't lived until you've spent six hours of your life figuring out legitimate ways to trademark the crack of your ass. And, by golly, you'll find my asscrack on file in the U.S. Patents and Trademarks Office. Why? Because that's what America is all about!

We practice actual journalism out here in the blogosphere. We've sent our people out to the conventions to sit around and do nothing. What more do you want of us?

If these pesky minorities or those cute little intellectual chicks actually wanted to blog, then by the Good Grace of God, they'd be doing it! If the impoverished masses actually cared enough about their opinions, then they'd quit one of their two jobs at Starbuck's and climb into the saddle, riding out the magic with other good Americans.

And if they cared enough about popularity, then they'd be ingratiating themselves with the likes of Jeff Jarvis and Glenn Reynolds, aping every opinion with the gusto of a Trekkie fawning over Leonard Nimoy. If they knew what was good for them, they'd spend all of their spare time tying the Number of the Beast to Dan Rather.

I may not read blogs that disagree with me, largely because my guidance counselor has suggested it might spike my blood presure. The last thing anyone needs in this golden age is differing opinions. But out here in the electronic frontier, we're creating a democratic elite. The kind of sensible realm ruled by white males who all agree with each other. So why won't you put away your silly Noam Chomsky books and join us?

Posted by DrMabuse at March 16, 2005 06:19 PM