A Memoir by Edward Champion
Word count: 8
I like going to the zoo.
After twelve years of careful writing, revising, deleting, setting random pages of my manuscript on fire during intermittent moments of neurosis and depression, contending with the third-degree burns that came from manuscript conflagrations, dealing with various hard drives bricking on me, long phone calls with Tom Bissell, having my attorney deal with a subsequent restraining order from Tom Bissell, harassing agents, rebuking editors, attempting to persuade that unpaid intern at Penguin that I was a published author of some note and that she should take me home to meet her parents (and dealing with a restraining order from her too), losing six laptops and attempting to recreate my painstaking commitment to American memoir more than 364 times, I have at long last finished my eight word book, A Sense of Proportion, to be published by Riverhead and available in stores later this year, which was expanded from an original two word draft that was whittled down from the 400,000 painstaking words from my first draft. I have even added a hyphen to my name and, dear readers, you can refer to me as “Edward Cham-Peon.” However, I would appreciate it if you could place more emphasis on the first part (because it connotes champagne) rather than the second one (which has a regrettable association with certain low-class types). Because I do not want to run away from the publishing industry and weep angry tears. All this, of course, if are worthy enough to touch the hem of my glorious garment, which I recently purchased at an army navy surplus store.
Incommensurate thanks to the helpful readers of various emails/chapters/drafts/suicide notes/pleas for money/confessions of my ever fluctuating self-esteem/notes passed in class/Ponzi scams/invitations to parties I held which nobody attended at various stages: Al Fresco, Alfred Pennyworth, Ali E T’sol, Alice N. Head, Amanda Waller, Amir Amir Enthawall, Amy Fitzpatrick, Anders Kelto, Andrea Beaumont, Angela Davis, Angie Dickinson, Angie Gladididntsaybanana, Anna Akhmatova, Ashley Dustgrant, Ava Vavoom, Barbara Gordon, Barry Julien, Ben Charles Padilla, Bill in Tel Aviv (he never told me his last name), Bison Dele, Bob Apple, Bob Blaisdel, Bruno Manser, Bugs Hardaway, Charlotte Webb, Cheryl Weirspants, Chloe N. Afternoon, Choire Sicha, Clarence Bullwinkel, Clark Kent, Claudia Lawrence, Cree Summer, Dan Gutemann,Dan McCoy, Daniel Barbosa (72 looks at the manuscript), Daniel Radosh, Dave at Wendy’s, Dave Half a Dozen or the Other Eggs, Deborah Amos, Dick Grayson, Dick Wither, Dr. Hugo Strange, Earl E. Birdgits, Edward and Austin Bryant, Elliot Kalan,Emma Culette, Eric Drysdale, Ethan F, Ethan Iverson, Fiona Banana, Frank Bures, Frank Drebin, Frank Lesser, Frank O. Phile, Fryderyk Frontier, George Allen Smith, Glenn Eichler, Gwen Stacy, H.A.R.D.A.C., Hailey S. Ajax, Hallie Haglund, Holly Hobbie, Ian Peek, Inspector Clouseau, Isabella Isabrutta, Isobel Campanile, J.R. Havlan, J’onn J’onzz, Jacob Silverman, James Campbell, James Garfield Davis, Jason Blood, Jason Jolkowski, Jason Ross, Jay Katsir, Jeff Fischer, Jennifer Kesse, Jeronimo Leonard, Jim Gray, Jimmy So, Jo Miller, Joe Camp, Joe Pichler, John Barnett, John Bigboote, John Camp, John Careful Walker, John Chief Crier, John Cooper, John Coyote, John Edwards, John Fish, John Fledgling, John Gomez, John Grim, John Guardian, John Icicle Boy, John Jones, John Joseph, John Kim Chi, John Lee, John Littelejohn, my good friend Buck and the boys at Yoyodyne, John Oliver, John Stewart, Jon Stewart, Jonathan Names Jr., Jonathan Names, Jorge Julio López, Jure Šterk, Kairi Tanaga, Kaz Il, Kevin Bleyer, Kyodai Ken, Kyron Horman, Laura Adderall, Leonid Rozhetskin, Les S. Moore, Leslie Thompkins, Lewis Gidon-Krauss, Lewis Krauss-Gideon, Lewis Lewis-Krauss, Liam A. Meliorate, Lois Amster, Lois Lane, Louie Schmitt, Luis Alfredo Garavito (138 looks at the manuscript), Madeleine McCann, Madison Iratadotter, Manuel Transmission, Margie Profet, Mariam Divorce, Mark Chand-Mercier, Maura Murray, Max Engout, Max Werner, Maxine Gibson, Meredith Scardino, Mia Mama, Michael Brumm, Michael Dukakis, Michael H. Miller, Miracle Jones, Mohammed Comté Mountain, Natalee Holloway, Olympia Dukakis, Opus Moreschi, Patricia Treat, Paul Dinello, Pedro Alonso López (110 looks at the manuscript), Pedro Rodrigues Filho (71 looks at the manuscript), Pepe Roni, Peter Falconio, Peter Gwinn, Ra’s al Ghul, Rachel Martin, Raj Kiran, Raj Kiran, Randa Duane, Ray Gricar, Rebecca Coriam, Reem Hard, Rich Dahm, Richard Stark, Rick Havoc, Riley Lifer, Rob Dubbin, Rory Albanese, Ruby Tuesday, Sal Vertong, Sara Benincasa, Scott Sherman, Shayera Hol, Shem, Shaun, and Issy, Shinji Higuchi, Sienna Years O’Solitude, Simon Pure, Sivasubramaniam Raveendranath, Snidely Whiplash, Somchai Neelapaijit, Soon-Rise Sunset, Sophia Throw, Steve Bodow, Susan Powell, Talia, Tao Lin, Taylor O’Thadance, Terry McGinnis, The Pope (if I die, he dies), the Presidents I have on speed dial (Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Barack Obama), Tim Anykooks, Tim Carvell, Tim Drake, Timmy Hartman, Tom Dickenhair, Tom Purcell, Trevor Deely, Trudy Stranger, Valentina Massacre, Virgil Hawkins, Virginia Slims, Wally West, Walt W. Batedbreath, Wyatt Cenac, Zatanna, Zhubin Parang…
And, of course, my good friend Gideon Lewis-Kraus.