I’d like to clear the air right now and respond to the troubling rumors that are now circulating around the Internet.

There are some people who misunderstand my relationship with my box of Kleenex and the porn that I download through Kazaa. I have had a relationship with the former for almost twenty years and the latter as long as I have had access to broadband. So I can understand why people might think that I masturbate, but I don’t. I assure you that it is a very close kinship I have with Kleenex and a pedantic curiosity I have with naked bodies undulating in my Media Player window. The porn, with its grunting and amateur acting, is calming and haiku-like and often prevents me from grinding my teeth. But I do not masturbate to it.

Because of these misperceptions, I have a strong sense of what Oprah’s going through. There isn’t a definition in our culture for this kind of bond between a balding thirtysomething man and his Kleenex. So I get why people have to label it — how can you be this close with a box of Kleenex without being sexual?

Well, dear readers, believe it or not, I am. And it’s not the kind of relationship you might expect. The truth is, if I did masturbate, I would tell you, because there’s nothing wrong with masturbating.

So I’m asking you to stop disseminating these vicious lies. Leave me alone with my box of Kleenex and let me live my life, damn you!