CONDITIONS: Each participant has five seconds to talk to a member of the opposite sex before the buzzer sounds. The participant is then hied away to another table with another participant and another conversation. This procedure ensures that all participants dwell upon that pivotal first impression, which is, as unspecified studies show, the most telling indicator in finding a long-term mate or at least a good lay.

CANDIDATE 1: “So tell me about yourself.”
ME: “Well, I’m…”

BUZZ.

ME: “What’s your name?”
CANDIDATE 2: “Rachel. What’s yours?”
ME: “E….”

BUZZ.

ME: “We don’t have much time.”
CANDIDATE 3: “I know.”
ME: “You…”

BUZZ.

ME: “High maintenance?”
CANDIDATE 4: “No, low.”
ME: “Sweet.”

BUZZ. Short break. Coffee and bagels with lowfat cream cheese are served.

ME: “I think I’m getting the hang of this.”

Continue.

CANDIDATE 5: “Do you like it standing up?”
ME: “Depends. I…”

BUZZ.

ME: “First impression?”
CANDIDATE 6: “You stink.”
ME: “You don’t.”
CANDIDATE 6: “Good.”

BUZZ.

ME: “This is silly.”
CANDIDATE 7: “Got a phone number?”
ME: “Sure. 415…”

BUZZ.

ME: “Quick. Tell me your favorite color!”
CANDIDATE 8: “Bl…”

BUZZ.

The organizer then asked me if I hit it off with any of the candidates. I mention that there was an ineluctable plus with Candidate 5, but I was more interested in learning Candidate 8’s favorite color. Candidate 5, however, had found someone who could articulate his sexual proclivities quicker and the two had disappeared from the rented room. Strangely enough, Candidate 6 thought that we had a connection, but that was only because I was the only man who hadn’t shivered shortly after talking with her.

I went home and watched Jeopardy alone. Somehow, I was able to fire off answers faster than the contestants.