I thought I’d decided to save the spam robots some time and answer their questions directly:

Are you experiencing hair loss?

Well, yes. I’ve been gleefully balding over the past four years and I’m loving every minute of it! Can’t wait to see what a kickass chromedome I’ll end up as. Do I need help? Well, not really. The balding is happening of its own accord. But thank you very much for asking!

Four Lenders Want to Speak With You

Surely, they want to speak with me because they enjoy me as an individual, yes? Surely, they want to go have sushi and talk about anything but collateral to me. It might help if you were to tell me what they want to speak with me about.

HOODIA is taking America by storm, because it is the safest, fastest acting weight-loss supplement in the world…now you can get a bottle on us!

Unless HOODIA is bottle of a twenty year old scotch, somehow devoid of the supplements and scary chemical elements that we both know you haven’t put in there, then I don’t think I’m interested. How has HOODIA taken America by storm exactly? Is it a concoction mined from cumulus clouds?

-Tired with weak penis?
-Want to have sex all night long?
-Girls don’t love you anymore?

I am not “tired with weak penis,” and don’t plan to be until a doctor diagnoses me as such sometime in my seventies. Sex all night long? With who? Do you want to turn me into Seth Brundle? Well, some girls don’t love me anymore and there are very good reasons for this. Do you mean girls as a whole? Or just some?

Never scrub your toilet bowl again

Unless I hire a housekeeper, I’m pretty certain that the accumulated mildew and bacteria will be of great incentive for me to scrub my toilet bowl. Are you trying to suggest that I am a slob?

Any med for your girl to be happy!

I presume she’ll be happy once I subscribe her some cyanide.

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: Busty Teen Facially Gangbanged

I’ll play devil’s advocate. You have assumed, rather wrongly, that I am interested in child pornography. But let us suppose, just suppose, that the teen in question is actually an adult 18 years or older who is acting as such. And let us suppose that I absolutely need to view porn of this nature right now. I am unclear as to how a woman can be “facially gangbanged.” Surely, it is either a facial (meaning a closeup of a blowjob) or a gangbang (meaning group sex). Given the metric parameters of an orifice, it is rather doubtful that anything more than three cocks can be in her mouth. Does a foursome really constitute a gangbang? Further, if this “teen” is busty, what interest would I have in seeing her face? I’d be more inclined to view her anatomy. Okay, so you have a particular angle that can capture her upper chest and her facial. Where, pray tell, is the camera? I must assume that one of the men is holding it. If she is being “facially gangbanged,” will not the other cocks and legs occlude the “busty” view?

Sorry, I don’t believe you.