Another Meme Ignites the Lust

From Language Hat comes a fun list of questions:

You’re stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

Either James Joyce’s Ulysses (because I’d be forced to remember all those beautiful passages that spill out of my memory like too much Two Buck Chuck poured into my glass) or James M. Cain’s The Postman Always Rings Twice, because you need a little lust and murder to filter down to the next generation.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Speaking of Cain, I’ve always had a strange desire to be double-crossed by Phylis Nirdlinger. I had a crush on Vanity Fair‘s Becky Sharp and wondered as a boy if Nancy Drew ever put out.

The last book you bought is?

Just the other day: My Name is Red by Orhan Pamuk and A House for Mr. Biswas by V.S. Naipul. (I know, I know. Catching up for porous deficiencies.)

What are you currently reading?

The Art of Eating by MFK Fisher, Great Apes by Will Self, Saturday by Ian McEwan.

Five books you would take to a deserted island:

Today:

1. The Recognitions by William Gaddis
2. Don Quixote by Cervantes
3. A Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
4. The Arcades Project by Walter Benjamin
5. A Rememberance of Things Past by Marcel Proust

Many of these have been selected for pragmatic reasons.

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

We’re not running a relay race, are we?

Pope Declares That He’ll Live Forever

pope.jpgPope John Paul II, long reported to be suffering from ill health, began early training for the Roman Catholic Triathlon this morning. The Pope had long tired of the endless window waves and hoped to demonstrate to the world that, like other elderly leaders before him, he could swim across the Yangtze River in record time.

“Reports of my demise are greatly exaggerated,” said the Pope. “I’m feeling better than ever and I don’t know what these reporters are talking about.”

The Pope’s acolytes proved just as astonished as anyone else. The Fountain of Youth, discovered last night in the back of a Starbuck’s, was moved to the Vatican, where the Pope drank agua fresca and began displaying an unexpected vigor. The Pope reportedly “planned to live forever, or die trying.”

When asked what his Catholic constitutency would do now that the Pope’s health was secure for at least another 100 years, the Pope suggested that they either read the Bible again or take up cross-stitching.

Seven Pillars of Bookstore Customers

The Book Geek: S/he can be counted upon to buy something obscure or with literary underground streetcred (like say Steve Erickson or Kathy Acker) and will spend at least 20 minutes displaying her knowledge in front of a clerk or whoever else will listen. Unfortunately, it’s the clerks who are often the victims, as they have to stand for 8+ hours listening to this. (Variation: The Laconic Book Geek, who is a terrible eavesdropper, often nervous, and will sometimes bail a New Literate/Book Geek out at the last minute. Bookstore clerks who hope to avoid needless conversation with Book Geeks are advised to have a Laconic Book Geek on staff.)

The Former Bookstore Clerk: Unable to find a new job or perhaps wafting in the nostalgia of younger and more idealistic days of starvation, the Former Bookstore Clerk is more concerned with a bookstore’s decor and staff, than the books in question. Former Bookstore Clerks often end up owning their own used bookstores, for lack of a better purpose in life, sometimes harassing other customers just because they can.

The Macker: A thirtysomething (or older) who spends evenings and weekends ogling over the opposite (or same) sex. Not necessarily bad-looking, but definitely missed out on a lot of good fucking during their twenties, perhaps because they spent too much time intellectualizing sex and relationships. Trying to make up for lost time. Has perfected art of pretend reading, which affords opportunities to check out interesting anatomy by peering over hardcover spines. Often equipped with basic knowledge of liberal arts to spawn conversation.

The New Literate: A bookstore customer who has rediscovered books the same way that born again Christians rediscover God. New Literates can be just as passionate in their conversation as Book Geeks, but since their knowledge of contemporary literature is close to nil, they can at least be persuaded to talk about something else. On the whole, New Literates are friendly and susceptible to remembering good book choices.

The Reader: This person will never buy a book and spends time in bookstores reading the latest hardcovers, hoping to remain in the loop on current titles. Often unemployed, sometimes deranged, the Reader is generally benign provided that they have several books and tables to themsleves. The Reader has strange dietary habits, which are timed with the opening and closing of the store.

The Solipsist: The Solipsist differs from the Reader in that (a) he does not read and (b) he doesn’t particularly care about books. The Solipsist often views the bookstore as a temporary Witness Protection Program, a refuge from the rain or the hard realities of existence. He is perhaps fleeing a lover, requires to be lost within his own thoughts, or is looking for an exotic locale to mask his momentary contempt for the human race. The Solipsist doesn’t spend as much time in a bookstore as The Reader, but he can be just as snarly.

Spoilsport Acquaintance: The acquaintance who doesn’t really like you, but who feels compelled to “run into you,” snubbing your reading choice by saying, “I read that YEARS ago” or “That book was OKAY” just as you are about to slide your credit card. Too cowardly and dishonest to acknowledge the truth, Spoilsport Acquintances pose no threat to the bookstore employee, but are considerably vexing for manic depressives. (And it is worth noting that Spoilsport Acquaintaces are often manic depressives themselves!)

RIP Mitch Hedberg

Goddam, Mitch Hedberg has passed on. He was only 37. Here are some Hedbergisms in his honor:

“The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re fucking relentless.”hedberg.jpg

“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.”

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'”

“This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard. ”

“I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.”

“I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, ‘Mitch,’ and I say, ‘What?’ and turn my head slightly…”

“I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.”

“I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.”

“Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.”