Category / Blogging

by DrMabuse

Monday Morning Boiler Plate Blog Entry

We [drank too much]/[had too many personal fiascos]/[raped a small poodle] over the weekend. It was an experience that [left us intellectually lacking]/[has us pondering __________]/[pairing our argyles]. [Not that you would know anything about that]/[I’m sure you understand our pain]. Expect our return [next week]/[tomorrow]/[at some unspecified time]/[never], when we’ve [fully recovered]/[possessed of less self-loathing]/[prepared to eviscerate another Laura Miller column] and [visit some of the other fine folks on the [left]/[right]]/[get out of the house yourself]/[email us naked photos of yourself]. [Or not.]

Not that we’re [giving blood]/[holing up in a motel room with a .44 and a smile]/[raping another small poodle] ourselves.

by DrMabuse

Blogger’s Surprise Revelations Cause Unexpected Shock and Awe

oldhag.jpegBALTIMORE (AP) — Blogger Elizabeth Skurnick, better known to the world as the Old Hag, shocked the blogosphere on Monday when she revealed herself to be much smarter, cuter, and wittier than her readers expected. Since her surprise announcement, she has received three dozen marriage proposals and several emails from men begging her to kiss their hands, annoint them with holy water, and send them underwear. In one notable case, a mariachi band was sent out to belt out continuous praise on Ms. Skurnick’s doorstep. Ms. Skurnick was forced to reluctantly call the police. In yet another extraordinary incident, one man asked to be whipped continuously over a 24 hour period.

Ms. Skurnick, who had previously kept up a quasi-anonymous profile on the Net, claims to be as perplexed as anyone by the sudden attention. “Just a bunch of crazy motherfuckers, really,” she said. “I mean, all I did was write a review for The New York Times, and suddenly everybody wants to be my love slave.”

A few bloggers who had previously corresponded with Ms. Skurnick have suddenly stopped sending her emails. Learning of her Yale and John Hopkins background, one blogger, who preferred to remain anonymous when speaking to this reporter, deleted all his posts. “I can’t compete with the Hag’s fine words. I mean, the lady uses ‘fuck’ in ways I’ve never considered.”

Ms. Skurnick’s decision has not been without controversy. “It’s tacky and in bad taste,” said Jessa Crispin, who maintains the Bookslut blog. “I mean, I’ve been blogging about books a lot longer than she has. And I’ve had Austin Chronicle writers stalking me. Kenan has had to kick a few asses, but we’ve kept this on the q.t. You’d think Lizzie would have the decency to do the same.”

Sarah Weinman, who maintains a blog called Confessions of an Idiosynchratic Mind, had planned to reveal more about herself later this year, but feared that she didn’t have the same credentials that Ms. Skurnick did. “Let’s face it. Lizzie’s brighter than the rest of us. But I’m not bothered by it,” said Ms. Weinman. “I still trump her in the mystery department.”

“A little revealing does everyone some good,” said Terry Teachout. Teachout, author of The Skeptic and compulsive blogger of About Last Night, isn’t concerned with the attention. He reports that he’s pretty busy with a girl from Chicago.

“What the hell do I know?” said Cup of Chica. “I just got back home!”

“She should just get married,” said Maud Newton. “I did, and I’ve never had to worry about groupies.”

Even so, this hasn’t stopped Choire Sicha, editor of Gawker, from sending Ms. Skurnick a dozen roses every hour, on the hour, since the announcement.

“I sympathize,” says Elegant Variation‘s Mark Sarvas. “If I wasn’t a married man, I’d be drooling over Lizzie like the rest of them.”

Unfortunately, Ms. Skurnick is already smitten with a man whom she refers to only as “BOOG” (an acronym for “Boyfriend of Old Hag”). Attempts to uncover the BOOG’s real identiy have not yielded any fruit. However, a source has informed this reporter that Ms. Skurnick has hired several security guards to deflect potential stalkers. Along with the marriage proposals have come very specific death threats against the BOOG. The language and the specific nature of the intentions have alarmed Ms. Skurnick. “If you thought the Margaret Cho hate mail was bad,” said Skurnick, “try being queen for a day.”

“I don’t understand why she doesn’t just remain anonymous,” said TMFTML, an anonymous blogger who was recently nominated for Best New York Blog by New York Magazine. “Keep the lid on and you can blog in relative peace.”

by DrMabuse

Hey, Chip, You Rock My World!

Well, since folks are either making confessionals or unabashedly whoring, I’m more than happy to join the collective hue and cry. In fact, Chip, send me a book and I’ll wash your windows in a garter strap! Not a pretty sight, I know. But if that fails to quell the current cries of sexism, then I’ll legally change my name to “Pia Zadora.”

[1/23/06 UPDATE: Two years and countless criticisms of Sam Tanenhaus later, I haven’t been called by the NYTBR. Not so much as a thank you note for the brownies I sent Sam Tanenhaus. My pitches to my own hometown newspaper have fallen on deaf ears. (Never mind that they have taken out-of-town litbloggers for their pages.) The newspapers don’t want me, either because I come across as too volatile or I simply can’t write. As a man who has been on staff for a magazine, I’d like to think it’s the former. I don’t mean for this update to sound as if I’m throwing a pity party or to imply that I’m bitter or anything. I still plan to go on writing, even if it means most of my words being deposited here. But this is a telltale warning to all you whipper-snappers out there. The fresher, the more distinct and the more original you are, the less likely the mainstream media will want you. At least that seems to be my experience.]

by DrMabuse

New Books, Arty Books, Odd Books

The Guardian has a nuts and bolts profile of John Gregory Dunne, who passed away over the New Year’s weekend. A final novel, Nothing Lost, is planned for publication later this year.

Colson Whitehead’s next book has the man going crazy over New York in a collection of essays. Newsday doesn’t get much out of him, but it does note that Whitehead’s third novel is due out this spring. Oh, and he’s bought a home in Brooklyn with the MacArthur money. Hard reporting that boils down to this: Isn’t it good to be a hot, young thing?

Can you judge a book by its cover? New York book fetishists may want to check out the New York Public Library. Virginia Bartow has selected 90 books, trying to see if the books in questions can say something without being read. Included is Agrippa, a collaboration between William Gibson and Dennis Ashbaugh encoded in the first letters of DNA’s nucleic acids and a poem on a floppy disk that encrypts data upon access.

L. Frank Baum published two books in 1900. One was The Wizard of Oz, the other was The Art of Decorating Dry Goods Windows. Stuart Culver has a little more. Among Baum’s observations: “You must arouse in the observer cupidity and a longing to possess the goods you sell.” “Arousing the cupidity” didn’t actually work for Baum himself though. Most of his business speculations failed, but the Oz books did well.

And a moment of candor from the Post re: blogs? Or are they riffing with alt-weekly angst to keep up? Whatever the case, it’s a strange read from the paper of Woodward and Bernstein. (via Sarah)

[1/21/06 UPDATE: Dunne’s Nothing Lost (called by Kipen a “sloppy, fun swan song”), of course, was completely subsumed by Joan Didion’s memoir, The Year of Magical Thinking, which, like nearly every Didion nonfiction book, has gone on to win nearly every nonfiction award. And I should point out I’m just as defensive about blogs today as I was two years ago. I need to be more critical.]