We [drank too much]/[had too many personal fiascos]/[raped a small poodle] over the weekend. It was an experience that [left us intellectually lacking]/[has us pondering __________]/[pairing our argyles]. [Not that you would know anything about that]/[I’m sure you understand our pain]. Expect our return [next week]/[tomorrow]/[at some unspecified time]/[never], when we’ve [fully recovered]/[possessed of less self-loathing]/[prepared to eviscerate another Laura Miller column] and [visit some of the other fine folks on the [left]/[right]]/[get out of the house yourself]/[email us naked photos of yourself]. [Or not.]

Not that we’re [giving blood]/[holing up in a motel room with a .44 and a smile]/[raping another small poodle] ourselves.