The human eye transfers information to the brain as fast as a swift Ethernet connection. Unfortunately, like a tetchy DSL connection, we could be transferring data a lot swifter. Humans have ten times more ganglion cells in the retina than a guinea pig, yet the guinea pig is faster. This suggests that this deficiency might be best rectified if a few humans replaced a few guinea pigs for those painful dissections conducted in the name of research. Or perhaps our ganglion cells might be boosted if we adopted other humans as pets and had them run around in circles.

Either way, this will not stand! The human is smarter than the guinea pig. Can a guinea pig balance a checkbook or order takeout? I think not! Moreover, the average guinea pig lives a mere four to six years. Perhaps that comparatively smaller blip of existence is what causes the guinea pig to get its act together.

I call upon my fellow humans to do better! We must triumph over the guinea pig before the eye-to-brain transfer speed is comparable to a 56K modem.