The Apple: The lyrics “It’s a natural, natural, natural desire / To meet an actual, actual, actual vampire,” a production number devoted to speed or (as, Catherine Mary Stewart sings it, “Speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!” which, as foreshadowed, is apparently “what America needs”), a man on a scooter who circles around a secretary pool (all of them wearing see-through plastic and white) for no apparent reason at all, audience reaction measured in heartbeats, a musical number in an apartment where the singer stands in one place and consciously sings the cue cards for the vapid lyrics off camera, and weird Orwellian orders with a mandatory Bim Hour (part of the National Fitness Program where even doctors put down their tools in the middle of the surgery and begin moving their arms up and down singing “Hey hey hey”).

This movie is awful, but strangely mesmerizing in its badness. Who was the insane studio exec who green-lighted this thing?

[MORE HERE: “The Rise and Fall of Cannon”]