I’m almost ashamed to confess it, but the Missed Connections section on Craig’s List fascinates me. What are these people thinking? Why are they spending all of their time regretting a mistake? If it’s a matter of following up with someone, why are they resorting to a bulletin board that only a handful of people will read?

With these questions in mind, I briefly emerge from my candy-baking, holiday-themed hiatus to give the gift that keeps on giving: questionable advice.

Dan Dan the Mexi Man: Have you considered calling the Academy of Art and asking if Dan works there? Failing that, are you aware that there are other Dans in the universe? It might also help if you stop referring to some stranger as “the Mexi Man.” Outside of WB sitcoms, that doesn’t really win points with people.

Danced with you at 1015: Sorry, sweetheart. Roberto ain’t coming back anytime soon. People go to dance clubs for two reasons. Dancing is one and I’ll let you do the math on the other. Chances are that if Roberto was really interested in you, he’d have taken you home or asked for your number. How much vodka did you have, darling?

Rita from Queens: It’s always possible that Rita might call back. But here’s the way it works. When a girl calls, if you don’t call back within a reasonable time, she moves onto the next prospect. May I suggest that you go to your cell phone dealer and obtain a cell phone that you can operate. Failing that, spend at least six hours becoming infinitely familiar with your voicemail system so that this doesn’t happen again.

To the bush lover whose jaw I broke: Two words: anger management.

Beautiful JWF on the BART: Go up and talk to her, you putz! And be prepared for the possibility of failure. Also, discretion is the name of the game. The last thing a woman needs on public transportation is a stranger’s desperate eyes searing into her soul. Is she reading a book? Does she have a nice overcoat? Make small talk instead of living with fear.

My girlfriend and I…: The place is “Missed Connections,” which involves people, not highly specific beer bottles.

PHX – SFO flight: Ask him for coffee next time. Look, nothing makes a man’s job easier than when you boldly suggest a date. It takes a lot of the weight from our backs. After all, we’re the ones constantly putting ourselves on the line here. Live dangerously. Start a trend. For the future of gender equality, ask him out if you’re interested! They did it on Sex and the City all the time, right?

Jo, 500 Club? Start drinking.

Nemo?: The San Francisco DJ scene isn’t nearly as large as it seems. With a name like that, it would be very easy to track the guy down if you hung out at raves and clubs and asked around. Of course, it’s also possible that Nemo was a one-night pseudonym, in which case you might be SOL. If you’re into DJs as prospective lovers, perhaps you should hook up with Skratchy Seal’s girlfriend and get some tips.

Were you checking out my package?: Perhaps purchasing a penis pump might confirm your hypothesis.

Squat and Gobble: The number is 415-487-0551. Play it safe. You may come across as socipathic, assuming he’s interested.

Now, back to the hiatus. Really.